I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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