I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
