Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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