Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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