The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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