At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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