Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
