I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
