I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
