I wish I could teleport
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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