I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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