just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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