he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
