make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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