My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize