i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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