Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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