I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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