Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
