Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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