how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
