I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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