what day is it and did you see me today?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
