this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
