Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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