He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
