im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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