get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize