I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
