i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
