Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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