ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
