I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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