You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
