We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
