I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
