even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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