you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
