you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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