From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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