PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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