found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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