Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
