I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize