Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
