when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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