I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
