he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
