If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
