Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
