I think I died a long time ago.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
