I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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