seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
