You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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