if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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