I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize