masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
