My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
