hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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