If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
