His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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