My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
