My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
