it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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