guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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