Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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